June 15, 2010

for kt

I agree with the strainer, upside down
in the yard. There is a limit to protection.
And you are coming.
And I invited you.
And how would we wake from anything
without the tiny pink hammers in our ears.

truss

to sit down, to cross the legs, to relax a little, to not know fully how to relax, to imagine the damage done by crossing, to be comfortable, defiant, distracted, to write something down, to feel the wind and want to write something else, to write not the same thing but not something entirely new, to hear the dog get up, to remember how someone else talked to the dog, to touch the dog without talking, to wish never to talk again, to take it back, to say something inconsequential as a test against faith, to uncross the legs, to feel awkward, shy, rub one thumb against the other, to misunderstand a sentence someone said over a year ago, to hear a door close, to ascribe meaning, to imagine, but not want to, a horrible death.

to shop for shampoo, compare prices, smells, to deliberate, to remember that bathroom, to see through the curtain, to sit on the sink, to talk about ingredients, law school, Vegenaise, to toss a towel, to flip a light switch then, for no apparent reason, to cup the hand on the doorframe, to let it go, to put down the bottle, to admit it, to interrupt the same conversation, to walk toward then away from the dairy aisle, to handle an avocado, to regret it, to not buy anything, to push hard against the already receding door.

to call the dog, to clap at the dog, to lift the leash, to touch the pockets for confirmation, to lock the door, to walk near the dog, sometimes in front, sometimes behind, to know enough to smile when people are near, to put the right hand in the pocket, to retrieve the phone, to confirm that the ringer is off, to check for messages, to get to the bridge, to scan the graffiti, to wonder how one knows what to do, to encourage the dog, to run a little, adjust the belt, wipe the nose, laugh, remember something, check the phone. to unlock the door, to lock it again once one is inside, to slip off the shoes, open the computer, type in the password, to look for the clock then see a photograph instead, to remember that it has been removed, to click on the keyboard, to feel impatient, to say hateful things to oneself, to sign in, to let the password be saved, to wonder about intimacy, to feel increasingly frustrated, to sit there, to scroll, to mock, to berate, to envy, to miss, to use, to reach.

to climb the ladder, to pick up the book, read awhile, pet the dog, push the pillow, to imagine something, to read some more, to forget what came first, to go back, to feel relieved when it is familiar, to close the book, to turn off the light, to exhale loudly, to not want to touch oneself, to touch oneself, to expose the breasts in the dark, to imagine something else, to touch the nipples, to run the hands down the belly, to not be surprised, to feel proud in the way that one is proud of things one does not deserve, to love the softness, then the hair, to feel the genitals straining, to not think a word like genitals, to think cock or think clit, to imagine her face, focus on the fantasy, smile now that no one can see, to open the mouth, to let the neck pull, to know it’s not worth it, to do it anyway, to let the tongue out, to be desperate, to terrorize the hamstrings, the knees, the calves, to feel lonely, to change one’s mind and feel brave, to beg, to beg, to show the self, to imagine the hood of a car, an interstate, a rape, to wake up and to already be tired of waking, to do nothing, to elongate the legs, to always be imagining, to feel ashamed.

to miss things, to blame, to take the blame, to remember, to try to remember, to insist on certain organizational strategies, to be alone, to touch the nearest body, to always be near, to look at the watch, to test the watch, to push the button on the right side, to hold it down, to wonder what it is exactly that the watch claims to know. to turn on the computer, to type in the password, to not have to type in the password, to receive, to scan, to want, to read haphazardly, to forget, to read, to remember, touch oneself, hurt, to assume overcrowding, to feel overcrowded, to imagine one will have to forget.

Crossing

for madeline

When you hold me there are words for that.
I do not remember the words for that but I remember that there are words.
There are not words for when you do not hold me.
I remember that there are no words in the world so I say them.
Abolishing a line is only one way to mark it.
My throat hurts from saying so much nothing.
When I say I love you what I really mean to ask is, will I change?

Tau(gh)t

for madeline

I go back to that no and I sing from it.
I practice epilogue: needlethreadepi-
thelium. As what constitutes mean is the
variance. Perhaps I fly hollow. Into
some you, then. And rest. And where will the drama
queen darling? My tongue is thin without your tongue
to build a team on. Because we have been there,
dear Ranger. Let me punt to you. Face first is
the new tyranny of winged-ness. We were
a Jerusalem of avalanches gone
cleanly. Grip the resting heart, wresting. (Love, rest.)


Pre-existential condition: we. Victim-
ized and plural and. Mistakes are the only
things that happen in a mirror. Your father
drove while you slid your hand out the window. What
became a roof with no house, just some sky. We
barter what we witness. Because I can for-
give what forgives not forgets. Religion just
appropriates what beauty culls collected
in dependent lists. And what will shame me in
to breathing if I lose you. And what will pre-
sent tense if not corroborate with the past.


[this will always be the bathroom where I fucked
you where I fuck you where I fuck you where I
pee this fucking goes ongoing fuck with me
fucking you memory by member I re-
member you dick will do that dick will
barter baby’s restless call it the blue year
dick will dip you dick will slip you dick will knee
who told you momma may be an omnivore
but she always comes home to eat I got your
gruel right here baby fire me that’s what she said I see
fuck too much this fucking fuck fuck fuck with me]


I hesitate to use the phrase palm tree
because palm tree is so Miami. Nonethe-
less. Palm trees are indicative of regret.
When the palm tree does what it is doing now.
A thing anthropomorphic and lovingly
to my back. This happened in Fayetteville once
but, horticulture being what it is, the
palm tree lost by popular vote. There is no-
thing more humiliating than replacement.
To quote Eric Magraine, I’m not certain why
(you, me) we conceived in this order the world.


Where does coffee enjoy you in your new home?
I am a guest. And as such I will be mis-
taken. The porch chair disintegrated and.
With it the severalties abated. I
cannot say I miss her. I can, however,
own up to what I did to the chair. Can you
masturbate? No, never. Memory is use-
less. Still. Her hand was a chronology of
irrevocable. The shape of happiness.
I imagined 4 trillion lost cells inside
it: nevering and the press back of the ear.


And please that we not clobber nor posture. Plead
fists that forget their fists and drive up dumbly
inside. Praise the devil right out of my hands
and pray he leaves hard. Pray our cock in a bag
and praise it diligent from that paragon.
It’s an old story, babe. And I can safely
say I lean on it. Dear so and so. I am
sorry I brought the megaphone to your call-
ing hours. Not ashtray. Not dirty by the door.
Pray blinding. Praise faith without cleaving. Pray pre-
sent tense is not an admission of that theft.


Last night when I looked at you there was a you
looking back and she was dreamy. And by dream-
y I do not mean dream-like but thick. I miss
your shoulders. You know how all wet I get for
all things disparate. The teeth not teeth and did
you cut yourself your hair hidden or the hat.
This peeping on you is irregular but
consistent. In 08, “overshare” was the
new word of the year. If precipitant then.
Then reason says rest. Implicate agent or
agency. Retract. retractretractgenuflect.


Not face never over do not send that. I
called you a whore and I scared. Scared face, do no
over. Scared scared. A body con no not fist
it. A body con not never there. Would you
be my noose? Never darling. Noose you nicely.
Would you lungs on? Breasts on? Never face me? I
called you a whore, you noose, try by me. Never.
Con face scared. Share. A body called fist loose me
tightly. You darling con do not wish me there.
Lungs, will you? (scared) Will you? (whore) Scared. Never. Noose
fist nicely. Never con never loose fist share.


To address this assumption, acknowledge the
homogeneity of variances.
As the central limit disagrees and the
z-calc decides negative for the null, in-
ternal attributes, things that characterize
the unable to be observed, are known as
degrees of freedom. Penalties. µ is pow-
er. µ is another way to ask the same
question. Distance can be measured on a nom-
inal scale simply by applying names to
distances. Is this one tail, darling, or two?


Thin is tongue wing-ed, not not birds. There been have
wresting heart, resting – gone cleanly. Oh build us
Jerusalem in our tongues, steal us seamly.
Build us out of no build us into first build
the epilogue build the hollow hollow wall.
Tiny bathroom the be will always the be
will dip you and dip you forget not sky. Home.
Cleaving without faith, praise (home) blinding. Praise teeth
not teeth, you can chair. Your to brought sorry am
I so and so, pray I leave hard. Your to were
tyranny, grip the wrestless. build build love (rest)


The body is a tiny pool, a pool one
expects to see the bottom of. The woman
came and went with many different objects in
her mouth. The conclusive shape of happiness
is a triangle. We are mostly not birds.
Confession is the logical opposite
of light. The body is proximity we
mistake for proximity. If the theory
is that misogyny is throat culture. For
people with mothers. I take it back. I have
to give it to you. But. First, I take it back.

What Space Faith Can Occupy

for JC and Jen

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved a girl and her laughter was a question she wanted to spend her whole life answering.
- Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

I believe that witness is a magnitude of vulnerability.
That when I say love what I mean is not a feeling
nor a promise of a feeling. I believe in attention.
My love for you is a monolith of try.

The woman I love pays an inordinate amount
of attention to large and small objects. She is not
described by anything. Because I could not mean anything else,
she knows exactly what I mean.

Once upon a time a line saw itself
clear to its end. I have seen the shape
of happiness. (y=mx+b)
I am holding it. It is your hand.