for kt
I agree with the strainer, upside down
in the yard. There is a limit to protection.
And you are coming.
And I invited you.
And how would we wake from anything
without the tiny pink hammers in our ears.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
truss
to sit down, to cross the legs, to relax a little, to not know fully how to relax, to imagine the damage done by crossing, to be comfortable, defiant, distracted, to write something down, to feel the wind and want to write something else, to write not the same thing but not something entirely new, to hear the dog get up, to remember how someone else talked to the dog, to touch the dog without talking, to wish never to talk again, to take it back, to say something inconsequential as a test against faith, to uncross the legs, to feel awkward, shy, rub one thumb against the other, to misunderstand a sentence someone said over a year ago, to hear a door close, to ascribe meaning, to imagine, but not want to, a horrible death.
to shop for shampoo, compare prices, smells, to deliberate, to remember that bathroom, to see through the curtain, to sit on the sink, to talk about ingredients, law school, Vegenaise, to toss a towel, to flip a light switch then, for no apparent reason, to cup the hand on the doorframe, to let it go, to put down the bottle, to admit it, to interrupt the same conversation, to walk toward then away from the dairy aisle, to handle an avocado, to regret it, to not buy anything, to push hard against the already receding door.
to call the dog, to clap at the dog, to lift the leash, to touch the pockets for confirmation, to lock the door, to walk near the dog, sometimes in front, sometimes behind, to know enough to smile when people are near, to put the right hand in the pocket, to retrieve the phone, to confirm that the ringer is off, to check for messages, to get to the bridge, to scan the graffiti, to wonder how one knows what to do, to encourage the dog, to run a little, adjust the belt, wipe the nose, laugh, remember something, check the phone. to unlock the door, to lock it again once one is inside, to slip off the shoes, open the computer, type in the password, to look for the clock then see a photograph instead, to remember that it has been removed, to click on the keyboard, to feel impatient, to say hateful things to oneself, to sign in, to let the password be saved, to wonder about intimacy, to feel increasingly frustrated, to sit there, to scroll, to mock, to berate, to envy, to miss, to use, to reach.
to climb the ladder, to pick up the book, read awhile, pet the dog, push the pillow, to imagine something, to read some more, to forget what came first, to go back, to feel relieved when it is familiar, to close the book, to turn off the light, to exhale loudly, to not want to touch oneself, to touch oneself, to expose the breasts in the dark, to imagine something else, to touch the nipples, to run the hands down the belly, to not be surprised, to feel proud in the way that one is proud of things one does not deserve, to love the softness, then the hair, to feel the genitals straining, to not think a word like genitals, to think cock or think clit, to imagine her face, focus on the fantasy, smile now that no one can see, to open the mouth, to let the neck pull, to know it’s not worth it, to do it anyway, to let the tongue out, to be desperate, to terrorize the hamstrings, the knees, the calves, to feel lonely, to change one’s mind and feel brave, to beg, to beg, to show the self, to imagine the hood of a car, an interstate, a rape, to wake up and to already be tired of waking, to do nothing, to elongate the legs, to always be imagining, to feel ashamed.
to miss things, to blame, to take the blame, to remember, to try to remember, to insist on certain organizational strategies, to be alone, to touch the nearest body, to always be near, to look at the watch, to test the watch, to push the button on the right side, to hold it down, to wonder what it is exactly that the watch claims to know. to turn on the computer, to type in the password, to not have to type in the password, to receive, to scan, to want, to read haphazardly, to forget, to read, to remember, touch oneself, hurt, to assume overcrowding, to feel overcrowded, to imagine one will have to forget.
to shop for shampoo, compare prices, smells, to deliberate, to remember that bathroom, to see through the curtain, to sit on the sink, to talk about ingredients, law school, Vegenaise, to toss a towel, to flip a light switch then, for no apparent reason, to cup the hand on the doorframe, to let it go, to put down the bottle, to admit it, to interrupt the same conversation, to walk toward then away from the dairy aisle, to handle an avocado, to regret it, to not buy anything, to push hard against the already receding door.
to call the dog, to clap at the dog, to lift the leash, to touch the pockets for confirmation, to lock the door, to walk near the dog, sometimes in front, sometimes behind, to know enough to smile when people are near, to put the right hand in the pocket, to retrieve the phone, to confirm that the ringer is off, to check for messages, to get to the bridge, to scan the graffiti, to wonder how one knows what to do, to encourage the dog, to run a little, adjust the belt, wipe the nose, laugh, remember something, check the phone. to unlock the door, to lock it again once one is inside, to slip off the shoes, open the computer, type in the password, to look for the clock then see a photograph instead, to remember that it has been removed, to click on the keyboard, to feel impatient, to say hateful things to oneself, to sign in, to let the password be saved, to wonder about intimacy, to feel increasingly frustrated, to sit there, to scroll, to mock, to berate, to envy, to miss, to use, to reach.
to climb the ladder, to pick up the book, read awhile, pet the dog, push the pillow, to imagine something, to read some more, to forget what came first, to go back, to feel relieved when it is familiar, to close the book, to turn off the light, to exhale loudly, to not want to touch oneself, to touch oneself, to expose the breasts in the dark, to imagine something else, to touch the nipples, to run the hands down the belly, to not be surprised, to feel proud in the way that one is proud of things one does not deserve, to love the softness, then the hair, to feel the genitals straining, to not think a word like genitals, to think cock or think clit, to imagine her face, focus on the fantasy, smile now that no one can see, to open the mouth, to let the neck pull, to know it’s not worth it, to do it anyway, to let the tongue out, to be desperate, to terrorize the hamstrings, the knees, the calves, to feel lonely, to change one’s mind and feel brave, to beg, to beg, to show the self, to imagine the hood of a car, an interstate, a rape, to wake up and to already be tired of waking, to do nothing, to elongate the legs, to always be imagining, to feel ashamed.
to miss things, to blame, to take the blame, to remember, to try to remember, to insist on certain organizational strategies, to be alone, to touch the nearest body, to always be near, to look at the watch, to test the watch, to push the button on the right side, to hold it down, to wonder what it is exactly that the watch claims to know. to turn on the computer, to type in the password, to not have to type in the password, to receive, to scan, to want, to read haphazardly, to forget, to read, to remember, touch oneself, hurt, to assume overcrowding, to feel overcrowded, to imagine one will have to forget.
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