So it happened that I had a panic attack last night. The first full blown one in several years.
Sitting at Bentley’s and the room gradually fills with bodies. The sounds of bodies and their individual coffee cups. The sounds of merriment. A seemingly invisible collision of worlds.
This happens all the time, of course. People come together in public places and do what people coming together do. I have been a person before. I remember it in the way you remember something that happened in your presence. Something you may have witnessed but ultimately, it didn’t happen to you.
We were sitting there, it was amazing. She had on a black shirt, I think. Or maybe it was blue. Either way I don’t remember being afraid of her. I was alive then, I didn’t worry about it. I knew we were people in a world full of people. It never occurred to me to have my eye on the door.
The ugliest part of a panic attack is complicity. The way the world becomes a table top lifted from one corner and the plates slide. People who were eating salmon now bite into chocolate cake as if that’s what they ordered. No one whispers to their neighbor when a plate or two makes it to the floor.
Today I feel as though I am broken.
I feel like a road that folks will continue to drive down. I wonder where this goes, they will say in their wandering. And, oh, what a beautiful view. The patches seem seamless. Really, they’re nothing more than pieces of non-reflective glass.
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2 comments:
I sometimes think that people who position themselves in life to work with other people, to be around them a lot, to involve themselves and their hearts and troubles and struggles and triumphs--to be near what others are doing--including hurting--at times--their armor will thin and feather--and the energy begins to accumulate and press on them until it begins to penetrate the psychic bone--and this is when panic comes in. a sign perhaps, that time is needed to nurture the armour? I have panic attacks often, and have for many years. Still, I want to be near others, close to them, know them, learn from them...but eventually, i don't know. You seem like one of the strongest people, strangely strong, at times frighteningly strong...it's an awful feeling, isn't it? you are beautiful. I hope you don't have this feeling anymore.
i have been there darlin'~~my visuals don't look like your visuals, but i see them anyway...and hear the audio...and have felt a lot of the same~
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